People travel abroad for all sorts of reasons: Some seek exposure to new and inferior cultures; others want an education in a country that openly embraces binge drinking. I went to England to find myself.

I'm not quite sure why I believed I could do this in England. I had always lived in Los Angeles - but if I had ever had myself and lost it, the Beverly Center, not Buckingham Palace, seemed a likelier place for our tearful reunion. But, as a famous time-traveling superhero (I think his name was Yogi Berra) once said, "Wherever you go - there you are."

For me, living abroad was like being a fish in a bowl of oatmeal: The distribution of elements is all wrong. That isn't to say oatmeal doesn't have its place or its proper inhabitants. Raisins and brown sugar find it quite copacetic.

When I was there, I met other kids on similar journeys, but they seemed so well-equipped: They knew how to get jobs, and where to eat, and how to become involved in society. Everyone has different styles of travel, and I chose to gripe. Whereas the others tried to squeeze all the landmarks, visitor bureaus, and Churchill mugs into their lives, I looked at this crazy mixed-up world and wondered, What is wrong with everything? I didn't visit the impressive museums, and I only saw Big Ben once, and it was for the utilitarian purpose of checking the time. I was there to understand myself, and I came to understand that I am a very irritable person.

Upon my return, people asked me all kinds of questions about how to survive the United Kingdom. Rather than answer them one by one, taking care to tailor my response to each individual, I decided to write a general Q&A for mass publication, then refer them to it. Not only am I irritable - I'm lazy, too.

Q: I HEAR THE FOOD IS TERRIBLE.
England has just as much good food as America - the trouble lies in finding it. You will encounter strange items like pig-anus pie and crab-crotch kebabs, but you will rarely be required to order such things, unless it's late and the chip shop you frequent is already out of fried Mars bars. In short: Be sure to eat as many tacos as you can before you depart for the British Isles.

Q: I HEAR THE BEER IS ALWAYS SERVED WARM - CAN THIS BE TRUE?
No, the Brits like ice-cold lager as much as we do. But if you do come across a warm beer, be wary - it may not be beer at all.

Q: WHERE WILL I LIVE?
If you're planning on traveling frequently, you will spend a lot of time in the youth hostels that infest the country as pervasively as hoof-and-mouth disease. Booking a room, however, can be a daunting task. How do you choose between two places you've never been to? The guidebooks don't help much since they're written by a bunch of recently graduated English majors who are more concerned with showing off their Ivy League vocabularies than in, say, letting you know if the place has indoor plumbing (it doesn't). Lucky for you, I have decoded the guidebook!

Q: WHAT IF I WANT TO STAY IN ONE PLACE FOR A WHILE?
Those of you who have decided to relocate to the UK for school, work, or political asylum will avoid the travails of backpacking but will come up against another equally formidable set of challenges: surviving a British home. My first English residence was in Kensington SW1, a posh area just south of Hyde Park. It was a one-bedroom flat with all of the amenities you'd expect from a building erected in 1802. The rent was £70 ($105) a week, but there were slots next to every major appliance in our place, and we reluctantly became aware that switching on a light or firing up the stove for a few minutes required us to deposit coins. Making toast was like playing Centipede. Also, the entire floor shared a single toilet. My roommate called our place a dump, but I told him, "Think positive. Call it 'our dump.'" He and his girlfriend were from Wisconsin, and we used to stay up late, play gin rummy, and listen to the soundtrack to The Little Mermaid. That's deep cultural exchange, isn't it?

Q: WHAT'S THE QUEEN LIKE?
I didn't get the opportunity to meet her while I was there, but if you do, I hear she really likes to be surprised by a slap on the back and the words "Hey, baby, you owe me $5!"

Q: WHO ARE THE IRISH AND WHAT DO I DO IF I MEET THEM?
The Irish are to the English what Canadians are to us - the detested neighbor to the north. Er, west. Nothing will more quickly build rapport with an Englishman than a witty, good-humored assault on the Irish. If you can't come up with your own, try this example I got from a guidebook that requested anonymity.

If, however, you ever want to bond with an Irishman, and you don't have the money to buy him a pint, I recommend making a derogatory comment about the English. Or you could praise Bono.

Q: IS THE WEATHER GLOOMY?
The only thing duller and grayer than the sky is the queen.

Q: WILL I BE ABLE TO GET A JOB?
You cannot work in England under a general-issue visa, but for relatively little hassle, you can enlist with BUNAC, a nonprofit organization that arms its users with work permits for up to six months. Getting a job, however, can prove difficult. I worked as a dishwasher in Edinburgh, but really, the machine did all of the work; I was just there for emotional support. Once, a roommate and I stumbled on a cracker-company ad offering £1,000 pounds to anyone who could come up with 40 cracker jokes. We got started right away: We really were sure we were going to win - until I called the hotline and began reading the jokes. The PR guy at the other end was really eating it all up. He was laughing so hard, I wasn't sure to go on. He even put us on speakerphone so the whole office could appreciate our special breed of American humor. Finally, after I'd finished the first set, he regained enough sanity to inform me that in England, a cracker is a little explosive that children set off on Christmas Day and that shoots out a joke with every discharge. Needless to say, I felt crumby about the whole thing.

Q: WHY DOES TEXAS HAVE ITS OWN EMBASSY? IS SOMETHING GOING DOWN?
The Texas Embassy was established during those confusing years in the 18th century when the Lone Star State wanted to be its own sovereign nation. The embassy still stands but has been converted into a Tex-Mex restaurant, boasting huge margaritas and clever menu items like "Remember the à la Mode." (Hope you filled up on tacos back home.)

Q: AFTER VISITING ENGLAND, WILL I FINALLY UNDERSTAND BRIDGET JONES' DIARY?
I, too, once found this movie confusing. I kept asking myself, Who are these people? Why do they talk like that? Why does that man blink so much? And even after living in England for those many months, I'm still not sure I really know the answers. I did happen to read an article about Hugh Grant that shed a little light on the matter of him blinking so much. It said something to the effect that this habit is a psychosomatic tick, and not just a side effect of being British, as everyone had previously surmised. Disclaimer: My notions of England are quite uniquely mine. They are derived from my experience and hallucinations, and if your experience and stories resemble mine, then you should go back and start over, because you are infringing on my copyright!