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Nirvana: Travel Horoscopes for the Twisted Road
by AstroBoy
Aries: (March 21–April 19)
You wouldn't know a peso from a piñata, a ruble from an ancient ruin. Of all the signs of the Zodiac, you are the only one that will get shortchanged when it comes to getting four quarters for a dollar. TRAVELING TIP: Stay very, very close to an ATM wherever you go.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
Bulls know how to be stubborn, charming and persistent. The problem is that you never know how to do this at the right time. Remember, restraint isn't just something they put you in before they throw you in prison. TRAVELING TIP: Refrain from yelling at the immigration officers "show me yours, buddy" when they ask for your passport.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
Known for many of your multiple personalities, you don't know which one of your various personas is going to show up for the journey. You are the one who never has to worry about finding a crowd–it follows you wherever you go. TRAVELING TIP: When you want to pose for a group photo, all you have to do is throw your arms around your shoulders and smile.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
You are such a homebody, it's amazing that you ever think about traveling beyond your front door, much less see the world. Since you are breaking the cosmic mold by traveling, try thinking of it as an educational adventure instead of something to be put up with until you get home. TRAVELING TIP: Stop saying "this tastes just like Mom's chicken pot pie" when dining in gourmet restaurants in Europe.
LEO (July 23–August 22)
You are known for your gentle, sensitive nature...kind of like Metallica at a Napster.com convention. You can generate an international incident just by asking someone for the train schedule. Think of it this way: Just because it's called the City of Lights that doesn't mean every light in Paris has to shine on you. TRAVELING TIP: Do everyone a favor if you go on a group tour – stay far, far away from the group.
Virgo (August 23–September 22)
Slow down. You think the Bullet Train is too slow and the Supersonic doesn't travel fast enough. If someone asks you to take a leisurely stroll through the Prado Museum your response would be: "Seen one museum...seen them all." TRAVELING TIP: It's best to pack your traveling shoes instead of your platform disco shoes...but you don't want to hear that.
Scorpio (October 23–November 23)
Scandal and good times mean the same thing to you. Excess is your norm and moderation is a word that exists in someone else's language. You want to devour everything the locals have to offer...and I mean everything. TRAVELING TIP: Learn how to say, "First, I want to see a lawyer" in several languages before embarking outside the U.S.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
Charming, intelligent and a good judge of character. Don't you wish you had those talents? Well, forget it. Unless you were born on another planet with a different solar system, you got to live with your nerdy self and we have to put up with you. TRAVELING TIP: Make friends quickly and depend on the kindness of strangers. That's the only way you're going to survive in foreign countries.
Capricorn (Dec 22–January 19)
Great things will happen to you within the next few months. You will meet the love of your life, you will find the path to true enlightenment and you will be blessed with riches beyond your imagination. A stranger from Columbia will ask you to travel by prop airplane and take a small package to a deserted jungle airstrip in the Bahamas. TRAVELING TIP: Remember, a jail is a jail and laws are laws.
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
Your are fun to travel with and many people want to be your friend. There is no party unless you are there because you are the party. Places like Barcelona and New York seem dull unless blessed with the glow of your presence. TRAVELING TIP: In order to maintain this lifestyle, keep a wad of traveler's checks handy, and call me when you show up.
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